Happy Mother’s Day for All?
I was leaning toward the theme of Mental Health Awareness Month as I was narrowing down blog topics for this week. I started a draft on the subject, but my heart wasn’t totally in it and I was struggling to find my words. I basically ended up with a factual essay on the origins and purpose of Mental Health Month….BLAH! Today, I scrapped that idea.
Picking my son up from speech class, his teacher said’ Happy Mother’s day!” Oh my gosh, Mother’s Day is this weekend!?!?! Face palm!!! – Her words got me thinking. By the time I pulled into the driveway, I had decided that Mother’s Day would be my topic. But not Mother’s Day from the point of view of those mom’s happy to receive whatever homemade craft their child happened to bring home from school…..While I happen to cherish my shelf full of such trinkets, not all moms appreciate their child’s gifts. This is the topic I want to discuss…unappreciative moms and the child’s point of view.
I was the child of an unappreciative mom.
I remember bringing home a pansy planted in the Styrofoam cup that I decorated at school. I was hurt when my mother pawned it off to my great grandmother instead of displaying the work I so lovingly created just for her. Throughout the years, I tried time and again to gift her something that she would like. I saved my money to buy her special gifts, like the Reba McEntire CD that I put so much thought into when I was eleven. She loved Reba and mentioned wanting to hear more of her on the radio. I thought she could listen to just Reba while traveling between her home health clients. Months later, I found the unopened CD in the glove box of her jeep and my heart sank. I really thought she would appreciate this gift. I asked why she never listened to the album and she answered with, “You can have it. I’d rather hear the radio.”
“You can have it. I’d rather hear the radio.”
WHAT!!! Seriously! You want to return to me the gift I gave you, having never even opening it! Who does that? How unbelievably rude! She could have at least listened to it once before deciding she didn’t want the CD.
Fast forward three years, to eighth grade. My final project in wood shop was to make a clock. Not only did I cut, sand, and stain the wood; I burned a hand drawn bear into the face of the clock. I wanted to give it to mom as a Mother’s Day gift. I got an A+ for the work I had done and I was excited to show Mom the bear clock I had made for her. I was proud of my clock even if she wasn’t. My hard work went into a box in her closet and I haven’t seen it since. That was the last time I put real thought into a Mother’s Day gift, or any gift, for her. I stopped caring.
Why should I care about her feelings if she never cared about mine?
As an adult, Mother’s Day became a gloomy time for me. I would see friends taking their moms out for the day or giving them something special and, although happy for my friends, I was sad for myself. I was missing out on the friendship most mothers have with their daughters.
I have no relationship with my mother now. I thought I would miss her but I do not. How can I miss something I never had to begin with?
Unhappy memories tend to flood my mind around certain holidays. Small pieces of the past drizzle into my mind occasionally, returning those heartbroken feelings of my youth. Strange how simply hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” can start a shower of memories in my mind causing a flood of dark emotions within me.
I know there are people out there who understand what an uncaring, unappreciative mother can do to a child. Just as I know there are people out there who would rather just avoid holidays, like Mother’s Day, all together. I tried avoiding the day for years due to my own mother being a narcissist. I had to come to terms with not having a mother who could love me like I needed. In doing so, I have read many articles on narcissistic parents, including an article at Psychology Today, that lists the following ten tips for a day that may be a trigger for you:
1.Don’t blame yourself. 2.Celebrate yourself, whether you are a mother or not. 3.Celebrate other mothers you know who are loving and kind. 4.Focus on empathy throughout the day and give it to friends and family members. 5.Honor other women who may have given you motherly love and attention, like a grandmother, aunt, or friend. Let them know how important they were to your development and teaching you how to love. 6.If you are a mother, think about your own values and what you want to be able to give to your children to end the legacy of distorted love. 7.Make sure you are working your own recovery so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children. 8.Spend the day doing something you truly love to do. 9.Try not to buy into guilt trips from your family of origin. 10.Talk to others who understand the narcissism dynamic and can support and love you — and don’t try to explain it to those who don’t.
Mother’s Day has become special since becoming a mother myself. I try to follow number six throughout the year and not just on holidays. I want to instill healthy values in my children and to show them all the love they deserve. I fawn over my gifts so my kids know how much I appreciate and return their love. My family brings me some happiness on a day that would otherwise only cause me pain.
I find number ten to also be important. People who haven’t dealt with a narcissistic parent will never fully understand what the child has lived with and trying to explain will only cause frustration. I talk with my therapist, I read articles and stories from others who understand my situation. And while not all my readers will have had a narcissistic parent, maybe they lived with an unappreciative parent and can still benefit from these tips.
All women out there should be celebrating themselves a little and having a happy Mother’s Day despite their dysfunctional upbringing!
Karyl McBride,Ph.D. is the author of these ten tips. She specializes in treating clients with dysfunctional family issues. You can find more information on Karyl, as well as more information about her other published works, by clicking here.
Thanks for reading!
-Lura
