Could She Really Be Leaving?

I was told some amazing news this week…well, amazing news if it actually turns out to be true… My mother is planning to sell her house and move. The news of her possible relocation brought me a few days of absolute joy. I was feeling like a kid on Christmas morning.

Could I be so lucky?

Since my mother disowned me, my life has been less stressful. I no longer worry about what I say or do because my mother can’t manipulate my words/actions if I have no contact with her. Even the simplest detail is turned into an elaborate manuscript for her tall tales. Whether she knew the whole story or bits of a story never mattered. She would spin her tale to better suit herself….no matter how much information she was privy to. Even so, I tried giving her as little information as possible. The more information she had, the more ammo she had to use against me.

Messed up, huh?

A daughter can’t trust her mother enough to even mention the mundane details of her life. Everything I would say to my mother would get twisted. For example, my mother called as I was making dinner one evening. I listened to her ramblings as I usually would, only giving short responses in return. After a little while, I told her I was making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Dinner was ready so I needed to get off the phone and call the kids. Something simple, right?…Well, my simple statement turned into an hour long phone call from another family member. My mother had decided to tell people my children were hungry, and I only had enough money for bread and cheese. Most people would be able to ignore these accusations knowing it was just someone running their mouth. I am not most people, because my mother doesn’t stop with just telling one person a lie like that. She continues to tell the lie to anyone she can. Usually, the lie becomes more embellished as it spreads. The next thing you know, someone is coming to your house to check the state of your children’s health. In this case, it was my sister showing up with food my mother had donated to my children. We had plenty of food. My kids just happen to really like grilled cheeses and tomato soup.

This is how something simple turns into a big ordeal with my mother though. As I recall, my sister became upset with me for having her run all over the place to the collect food and deliver it to me. I had no idea my mother had even collected food….but somehow, I was at fault for causing inconveniences for my sister. She should have called me before running around…would have saved herself the hassle. She also had the option to tell our mother, “No.” Am I always the scapegoat… For quite a while after this particular stunt, I was embarrassed to show my face around my family.

Nothing kept me from my mother’s chaos. I could hide away a while, ignoring the comments and basically becoming a hermit. For those short years, I was free from her but also alienated from every one else. Quite a lonely life…I would grow tired of the loneliness and eventually come out of hiding….starting the cycle over again…

Directly after disowning me, she says terrible things to try and get to me. Then, after a while, she moves on to harass someone else.  I am at this point right now. I haven’t had contact for almost two years. She has finally moved on to fight with someone else. I am happy to not be her target for the time being. At some point, when she has alienated everyone else, I feel she will try coming back around to me. She won’t get to me as easily this time. I realized have no need for her in my life.

People don’t abandon the ones they love…                                            They abandon the ones they were using.

I have repeatedly been mistreated and abandoned by my mother. I feel I am justified in saying I do not miss her. I have been enjoying my motherless time of peace. I am working to move on and heal from my past. One of the hardest things to come to terms with is knowing I was not loved.  When she walked from my life once again, I was hit with this reality that she never loved me. She never loved her own child. No one nurtured me. I was a sad, lonely child. This depresses me. This realization is painful. How could a mother be so vile? I feel as though I betrayed myself by shutting away these feelings for so long. I denied myself a chance to begin healing years ago. But as they say, better late than never!

I look forward to my mother not living near me. There is always a fear of running into her at a store, or at a restaurant. I do not want to see her again. If she were to approach me, I don’t think I could control myself. I feel as though I would open my mouth and hateful words would spew forth without control. I like to think of myself as a composed person, so loosing my temper never sits well with me. I tend to beat my self up over a lost temper. I don’t want to lose my cool over her anymore. She is not worth wasting my energy on. This being said, I really do hope the news of her moving is true. I also, hope this move happens soon! Going to town without feeling the need to watch over my shoulder, will be another leap toward my healing. I look forward to that day!