Struggling to Hold Onto My Voice

Growing up with a narcissistic mother caused plenty of problems throughout my life. Losing my voice has been the worst of my problems. My voice was taken from me at a very young age. As an adult, I have fought to find my own voice and although I sometimes manage to grab a portion, I haven’t grasped enough to hold on for long. Every time I begin feeling like an adult capable of making decisions for myself, something happens and I return to this nonverbal, childlike version of myself. I rarely vocalize my true wishes or ideas. While my silence has kept me from engaging in many disagreements with others, it has also held me back from what I have wanted. Even, perhaps, what I have needed.

What do all my ramblings mean?

Allow me to explain my previous paragraph….

When I say my voice was taken at a young age, what I mean is… having a narcissistic mother buried my ability to speak for myself. Narcissists strive to control how their children think, act, or speak. Narcissists control their children by using threats, emotional abuse, or perhaps physical abuse. My mother used all three. Most of the time, she only needed threats mixed with emotional control to get what she wanted from me. I was afraid of my mother. I knew her threats would turn into actions. I learned to keep my mouth shut and do what she wanted me to do. If she wanted me to wear a dress, I wore a dress. Even if I hated dresses and I was uncomfortable, I suffered through the day wearing the dumb dress.

I HATED those dresses with the itchy puffy sleeves more than anything! Glad they stayed in the 80’s!

I was also trained to say what mother wanted me to say. My mother ALWAYS exaggerated the truth and expected me to follow along with whatever she said. I remember correcting her a couple of times and I payed for my mistakes each time. One time I opened my mouth without thinking and accidentally corrected her. I was about 13 at the time and I should have known better. She had asked my dad if he had any luck hunting when she came to pick me up from my weekend with him. Dad answered her saying he had gotten an eight point buck. No big deal. Nothing else was said. My mother took me home, and the neighbors were on the porch with my step-father. They happened to be discussing hunting season. My mother had apparently jumped into the mix by bragging about my father’s buck, which had magically grown into a thirteen point. Well, I had missed much of the conversation (my mother’s input) when I had gone into the house to put my bag in my room. When I returned to the porch, one of the neighbors asked me if my dad had his own, private hunting property. He wanted to know if he could hunt there so he could find a nice thirteen point. I didn’t realize my mother had told a lie and corrected what I thought was the neighbor’s mistake. I was in for it when the neighbors left. My mother was not happy with my mistake. She treated me horrible for a few days, and manipulated the neighbors into believing I was a liar. I was used to her making me look bad, so I wasn’t too bothered when the neighbors ignored me from that moment on. Sadly, being the outcast was my normal…

My consistent fear of my mother’s (usually unsolicited) outbursts, caused me to shut down. I didn’t speak unless spoken to. Too afraid to anger my mother, I remained mute. When asked to make a decision, I chose what I hoped would make her happy and not what would make me happy. I stopped making decisions for myself, did as I was told, and quietly watched as everyone chose to live their life around me. All the while, suffering in my silence.

I have learned this silent trait is called Echoism. In a book, Rethinking Narcissism, written by Dr. Craig Malkim, he states that studies found “echoists were the most ‘warm-hearted,’ but they were also afraid of becoming a burden, felt unsettled by attention, especially praise, and agreed with statements like, ‘When people ask me my preferences, I’m often at a loss.’ Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of it.” Basically, an echoist is the opposite of a narcissist. Narcissists put themselves first and think of their needs above anyone else. Echoists put others first and have trouble thinking of themselves, for fear of being narcissistic. I am scared to be anything like my mother. Being like my mother is one of my largest fears.

It wasn’t until I had my first son, that I began to find my voice again. Over twenty years of living with my silence, without questioning my choices, until I had a child to look out for. I began to realize I married someone like my mother. Someone who only wanted to control my every move. My husband kept me in my silent shell, just as my mother had done all those years. I saw my husband treating our son just as I had been treated by my mother. I couldn’t sit back and allow my son to live a controlled life like I had done. I wanted my son to be heard and be happy, not feel like a prisoner in a small world. My son deserved to have someone protect his well being, teach him to speak out for himself, and show him how large his world could be. That is precisely what I had done. I found my words, took my son, and left our prison behind. My son is no longer a baby. He is starting high school and choosing his path. He isn’t afraid to tell me what he wants. I am proud of him.

There have been many times, in which, I have wallowed in sadness for myself. I wished someone would have seen my suffering and helped me when I was young, so I could have been spared so much heartache. I could have had a different life. I could have done so well with someone guiding me instead of silencing me. Instead, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am inching closer to forty each year and I have no idea how to make a decision and go for it. I don’t completely hate my life because I was lucky enough to find a man who lovingly treats me like a partner. I have four amazing kids, each awesome in their own way. These five people make me happy. Why then am I still so sad?

I love my family but I can’t seem to let go of my silence.

I am a great mama bear. I speak up for my kids and my husband, when needed. I do what I can to protect them and make sure they are all well taken care of. I push to help them achieve their goals. Why can’t I do the same for me? I find myself still asking permission for most things. I am old enough to say what I want but I eternally struggle with my fear of upsetting everyone. I don’t have problems telling my children my opinions. Where I struggle is with other adults. I am nervous around other adults. I find I have a hard time trusting others (thanks mother!!!), which causes my withdraw into my silent corner of the world.

At times, I still find myself quietly watching the world change around me. Everyone is adapting and growing and I still feel like a voiceless child, unable to express myself. I am aware that I need to change in order to grow with the rest of the world. I suppose I am working on my adaptation by writing my blogs. Someday, I hope my writing will turn into something more….I hope writing will give me the courage I need. I hope I can one day just speak what is on my mind, rather than merely wishing things be different….

SOMEDAY

Someday, I will make a decision that will enhance my world, showing others what I am truly capable of….so watch for it!!!