The Hunted or The Hunter?

Until the lion learns how to write, the story will always glorify the hunter.

I read that line on a website somewhere. I don’t remember where or what I was scrolling through, but the line stuck with me. I suppose it stayed in my memory because I feel I am the lion. I am the hunted with a story to tell, and my mother, the hunter, always has me in her sights.

The hunter tells her tales as often as she can. Her tales show me to be the angry, snarling beast ready to pounce on my next meal. She, of course, interjects herself into the roll of my prey. She is skillful in depicting herself the poor, unsuspecting victim. Meanwhile, I am rendered the scary monster out to get her. The monster who she overcomes and overpowers, therefore winning the struggle. I AM THE LION, but the hunter is NOT the prey. Not in the real story.

The lion was the hunter’s prey from the start. The lion was the unsuspecting underdog. Merely existing. Never straying far from her den. Afraid of the dangers awaiting her in the brush. Not knowing how close the danger really was.

Have I confused you all yet?

Well, allow me to explain….my mother is a narcissist. For those of you unaware of what a narcissist is, here is a summary. The Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as ” a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” As far as I can remember, my mother has been an egotistical, supercilious person. She manipulates situations as to enhance herself, showing no empathy for those she harms in the process. When someone showed a talent or skill for something, my mother would always try upstaging them. She would brag about herself and act as though she were better than others. On the flip side, her pain or illness was always worse than someone else’s. If someone broke a toe, she broke three.

See how this works?

Mother had to come out on top no matter the circumstances and no matter whom she harmed to get there. Once, when co-worker of my mother’s was complaining about her daughter getting into trouble at school, my mother decided to fabricate stories about me getting into trouble at school. The reality was, I was only in trouble one time at school and my mother was the cause of it….but don’t focus on that time because it doesn’t matter here….The point is, I was not a bad kid. When I had heard what my mother had said about me, I was so embarrassed.

I happened to be a volunteer at the very hospital she was working in. The hospital was very small and everyone knew who’s daughter I was. My “boss”, Jane, called me in to talk about my behavior at school. She had heard what my mother had said about me and reminded me that volunteers were expected to keep a proper reputation. She expected to only hear positive things from then on. She never came out and said what she really thought, but Jane seemed to avoid me after our conversation. Jane’s avoidance caused me to believe she had thought my mother was telling the truth. I stopped volunteering a few weeks later. I hated to leave my position behind, but I felt like people were watching and judging me. I didn’t want to feel that way so I chose to stay at home, away from the world.

ANYTHING TO BE ON TOP!

The sad fact is, the example I gave is only one small moment out of many I could have chosen from. Any chance at harming me with the purpose of self glorification, my mother took it. But as of now, she has isolated herself at the top. She disowned me and my family. She chose her isolation. I sometimes wonder if she feels lonely up there, but those moments are fleeting, as I don’t really care if she is sad or lonely. Enjoying karma, mother?

I am finally able to say I am no longer afraid of the hunter. She can no longer hunt me. I am not near the den, where she could easily find me. Instead, I ventured deep into the brush. I am on a rock, laying in the sun, watching my cubs play and grow. I am focused on enjoying life instead of waiting for the pathetic hunter to appear.

This lion is learning how to write and through writing, becoming more aware of her strengths. Someday, someone will admire her. Seeing what the lion has overcome and where her strength comes from. Seeing the good in the lion. Finally realizing the hunter isn’t as glorious as they had declared.

.