Black-Catting is Never Okay

As a person who exists with chronic pain, I have compassion for those who feel unwell. I understand feeling rough. Lupus and Rheumatoid arthritis have been a big part of my life, as I was diagnosed when I was six, so, yes, I understand pain and feeling unwell. Most of the time, I am sympathetic to others struggles. That being said, I don’t try to “out-do” someone’s troubles with my own. People who use black-catting to turn the conversation to themselves, are not caring people and they don’t deserve my time.

My mother uses the technique of black-catting and has done so as far back as I can remember. My own plights were always downplayed, which has lead to me having a strong dislike for people who endlessly seem to brag about their problems. I am currently living with one of these “black-catters”. The longer he is here, the more I find resentment growing. I have had enough with narcissistic people, such as this.

I am normally an upbeat, optimistic person. I believe that overcoming adversity absolutely strengthens you in some way. Be it mentally, physically, or spiritually; growth is a positive thing. So, while I hear about his issues daily and never can express my own concerns (without starting a pain war), I have learned what it is to walk away. I used to think that leaving a conversation or being short with someone was rude and not at all appropriate. I now know that I am not required to subject myself to someone’s nonsense. I can walk away, for my own sanity.

Now, I am not saying I just blow people off and ignore them. I hear others and care most of the time. My mother-in-law is feeling bad today. Her body aches, she is fatigued and has a terrible headache. I sympathize with her. I know she is ill and I will help her in any way that I can. I made the mistake of asking the “black-catter” if my mother-in-law was feeling any better, as he is her significant other and should know before the rest of the household would. The answer I received, “I don’t know, but my body is killing me. I walked over to sit on the bench and almost didn’t make it back in the house.” He began to follow up his conversation with the story of how he was in such-and-such car accident twenty-odd years ago and his pain is so horrible… and BLAH BLAH BLAH… So is she okay or not? That is all I wanted to know and he couldn’t answer that. I cut off his words because he tells this same story at least once a day. We have all listened to this for the last year and a half. All members of this household are sick of hearing about it time and again. Any sympathy he would have received is long gone, as he continues to tell everyone how bad his pain is while downplaying theirs.

I have tried being subtle and nice. I have tried being straight and reasoning with this person without any luck. Now, I just cut off his words and walk away. I have been doing this for over a month and he still doesn’t get it. What more can I do? Am I going to have to scream, “Would you just shut the hell up?” His selfish attitude is obvious to the rest of us in this home. We put up with him because of my mother-in-law. They live here because she needed us, we care to help her, and he just happened to be part of the deal. I hate to cause her any frustrations, but he is more than I can take some days. She knows how we all feel about him. He won’t get help. She got him health insurance and a doctor, and tried to help him. He went to the doctor once, refused to get the blood work and x-rays done, and now refuses to go back to a doctor. At this point, we are all questioning his pain. I don’t like going to the doctor or getting testing done repeatedly, but I do it so I can alleviate my problems as much as possible.

I would think if you were in the amount of pain that he claims to be in, you would do anything to feel better. I mean, does he actually have pain or is he lying in order to get attention? I know when I have bad days, I will try whatever I can to feel better. Last week was difficult for me so I reached out to my doctor for help. I called, knowing that she would give me methylprednisolone steroids that would settle the flare I was experiencing. I don’t like the steroids because they cause nausea and my diabetes to goes completely out of control. High sugar causes serious fatigue for me (and some other problems), but the benefit outweighs the risk. High sugar is easier for me to endure than the multiple symptoms my autoimmune disorder causes during a flare. Knowing this is a short term fix and there are risks, I still called my doctor and asked for help because I felt terrible. So, were he actually experiencing the level of pain that he claims, wouldn’t he want help? I believe he only seeks attention, which he will no longer receive from me,

I grew up being governed an attention seeker, a “black catter” who never allowed for the sun to shine on anyone else. I have grown strong enough to repress her and those like her. I will not allow my light to be eclipsed again. These attention seekers do not deserve to steal what is yours. They are the root of negative feelings and we do not have to allow for them to continue growing. You can not help a person such as this. Cut them down and make room for yourself. You matter. Your feelings and your own growth matter. Make yourself the priority and they will no longer “out-do” you.