My Ex – The Narcissist

I should have known better than to marry the man I married. I should have seen his narcissistic behaviors. I should have known he wasn’t going to get any better. Unfortunately, I ignored my gut feelings. I ignored the terrible things people told me about him. I ignored my mind screaming at me, “leave him!” I wish I would have listened to my gut, my mind, and even the things people had to say. I wish I would have gotten out sooner. I wish I had never met him. He is my greatest regret.

Lured in.

I was lured in by all the attention James (name changed for anonymity) had given me. I felt trampled and ignored my entire childhood, so the attention I received from James filled an emptiness inside me. Having someone profess their love to me after years of no one caring, it was like a drug to me. I became addicted to earning James’ affections. I did everything I could to not upset him. I didn’t want to disappoint him or have him mad at me. I needed James’ love. I was given attention when I made him happy. I did everything I could to keep him happy- no matter the cost. Because of my need to please James, I lost friends, family, and eventually; began loosing myself.

First, James began a purge of my family. The biggest threat to James was my dad. My dad and I began forming a relationship about the time I met James, and James couldn’t have my attention divided, so he manipulated situations to have me believe a father/daughter relationship would be detrimental to me. At this point, my relationship with my mother was already estranged. My sister was all I had left and we rarely conversed. I had problems trusting my sister, stemming from issues with our mother, so not talking to her wasn’t a big deal to me. James separating me from family was a fairly easy task.

When family was a no longer a threat to him, James cut out my friends. I stopped talking to all guys due of his fits of jealousy. He would threaten to harm people for the simplest things and told me I was being watched by his friends. One morning while walking into school, a friend of mine sneaked up behind me and poked my side with his index finger. This was a harmless gesture, though James didn’t see it that way. James was waiting by my car when I got out of school that afternoon. He was furious and accused me of cheating. I feared James would do something to my friend, so I lied to end the friendship. I don’t know who had told James, but his claims of having me watched were substantiated that day. I kept contact with people to a minimum following this incident. I even skipped my biology field trip which I had been excited for. My remaining friend was pretty mad at me for not coming on the trip. She began to withdraw from me little by little, until we barely spoke at all. I detested school and couldn’t wait until to get out.

After graduation, I started a new job and married James that same year. I thought marrying James would help him see that I only wanted to be with him. He was still insecure about us. I felt very confined. I was a prisoner in my own marriage. James filled the gas tank in my car and kept track of my mileage because he wanted to know exactly where I had gone. ALL other outings were done together.

Mauve lipstick. Bleach blonde hair. Vanilla perfumes. Cherry red nails.

His control didn’t stop there. I was told what color lipstick I could wear, what color I had to dye my hair, what scent of perfume I had to wear, and even what my nail color was to be. I dieted because he thought I was getting too fat. If I tried something new, he became irate. Not only did he control my image, he controlled my actions. I had to hold my chin up and not look people in the eye. He thought that would deter people from approaching because it seemed I thought myself better than everyone. I was to stay a step behind him wherever we went. James wanted me to know that I followed him. I didn’t talk to anyone until I had his approval. I felt as if I were a child being punished. James did not think of me as his equal. A wife should be considered your equal. I was manipulated into doing everything James wanted without questioning his reasoning. I needed him and his affection.

Three years into the marriage, I gave him a son. That little boy was the love of my life from the moment I knew he existed. I was so happy to be pregnant. James was bothered with my growing belly and my growing love for our baby. He bullied me about my weight (twenty two pounds was too much to him.) He bullied me about my morning sickness (not sitting with him through an entire meal was rude.) He bullied me about needing naps (napping meant I didn’t want to spend time with him.) His attitude toward the pregnancy worsened the larger I grew. He was jealous of our unborn son. I was torn between loving the baby I had yet to hold and hating the way I was treated for that love. I hoped when he held his son that he would be in love too. He was not.

I was in labor for thirty eight hours. I was exhausted, in pain, scared, and alone. When my labor hadn’t progressed as quickly as James would have liked, he went home to bed. He was tired and didn’t want to stay at the hospital any more than he had to. Plus, he argued he had to get sleep to go to work the next morning. Instead, he came to the hospital; upset with having to take the day off work. He tried to ruin my most precious moments by fighting with me throughout my entire labor. I was miserable until my baby was born. I will never forget the joy of holding that baby in my arms.

My son was my first real love.

I hated when maternity leave had ended and I had to leave my baby boy. James had no real attachment to his son. His routines were the same as before and I cared for our baby alone. I feared the baby wouldn’t be taken care of while I was gone. I worked overnight so I was gone while the baby slept. Our son normally woke up once during the night for a bottle. After about a month of James having to get up to feed the baby, he started turning the monitor off without tending to our child’s needs. James didn’t care about our son’s needs, only his own selfish needs. I loved my son more than I loved myself. I felt horrible. I felt like a terrible mommy for leaving my baby with someone like that. I knew my son deserved better and I had to get us out.

He tried to control a three month old….How selfish that is!

Leaving my controlling husband was not easy, but it was the best decision I could have made. I reached out to a co-worker and with their help, I made it to a women’s shelter. The workers at the shelter helped me see the importance of escaping an emotionally abusive husband. I was harassed and bullied by James for a year after I filed the divorce papers. James didn’t wait long to procure a new girlfriend. He stopped harassing me a few months after his new victim moved into his house.

I feel sorry for her. I know what she lives with.

After writing this blog, I found an article at Psychology Today that describes the 7 stages of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding. The article, titled Why Is It So Hard to Leave the Narcissist, perfectly described my relationship with James and my feelings while in the relationship. I used to wonder why I allowed myself to be sucked into James’ games. Narcissist are very good at manipulation. I was manipulated into believing I was the one with problems. I believed his lies for years.

When I left, I was blamed for everything. James told many, many lies about me. I was crazy. I had postpartum depression. I was having an affair….. I was shocked how many people believed these lies. I was hurt for a while but I found a way through. I don’t care about the lies he tells now. People can think what they want. I am no longer manipulated by him.