Need is Not Selfish

I needed you today. You were busy and I understand busy (hello, mom of 4!), but I really needed you today. I needed a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a caring hug, or even someone to just say, “I’m here.” I needed to not feel alone in my pain and fear. I needed comfort and I don’t know how to ask for that.

I have been alone for so much of my life. I have cared for myself and managed to get through some tough times. But I am tired of pushing on alone. I have you and I shouldn’t feel alone, but I don’t know how to tell you what I need.

I don’t ask for compassion because I have been denied sympathy too many times to recall. I haven’t been treated nicely by the people in my past. A childhood of neglect and abuse has stunted my ability to express my needs. Instead of speaking up for myself, I secretly suffer internally.

I don’t want to be this way. I want to be able to say, ” I need you” but my mind is inclined to believe that need equals selfishness. Although I am aware that this thought is unrealistic, I was led to believe this idea growing up. My needs did not matter to my family. I was dubbed selfish when I needed any amount of attention. A child with an autoimmune disorder is a child with needs-needs I could not express. So after all my years of burying my own needs, I struggle to simply throw my wishes about. I guess this post is my way of saying I need to speak up.