Saying Goodbye To A Narcissist

Too many times, I allowed my mother to manipulate me. Too many times, I apologized to her when I did nothing wrong. I will NOT apologize again for something she did. I will NOT be manipulated into allowing my mother to be a part of my life again. I will NOT feel guilty for saying goodbye to a abusive relationship. I am strong! She will not take that away from me.

I felt misunderstood my entire childhood. My mother had custody of me and I only saw my dad twice a month. My mother’s emotional abuse caused feelings of inadequacy within me. I withdrew from everyone. I questioned every decision I made until eventually I stopped making decisions for myself. This action strengthened my feelings of inadequacy because others around me couldn’t comprehend my unwillingness to speak for myself. My indecisiveness caused my dad to lash out at me. Sometimes dad would ask, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just say what you want?” His words were my conformation there was something wrong with me. The phrase “I don’t know” became the words I uttered most often. I suffered in silence because I felt no one understood me. No one knew how bad my life was.

I felt completely alone.

My mother and I moved to another state at the start of 9th grade. I found my first real friend when I was 14 (I’ll call her Sam for the sake of her identity). Sam was the first person who actually came to my house, called me on the phone and talked with me about everything. Sam had many friends but I think she was just as lonely as me. Her family was the religious sort who didn’t allow their children to do many of the things kids our age did for fun, like movies or parties. Because of this, she was home much of the time. My mother wasn’t around in the evenings so Sam started coming over and staying with me a few times a week. I started to feel like a normal kid for once. Our friendship boosted my confidence and I soon became friends with other kids my age.

School was my happy place. I was among friends and could forget my pathetic parentage for a little while. These friends unknowingly helped me see I was not the unbalanced person my mother made me out to be. I continued to keep my mother’s misconducts a secret from everyone. Sam knew some things about my relationship with my mother but not everything. I was accustomed to people not believing the things my mother had done. Therefore, I had no need to bring these details into my new friendships and dampen my joy.

By 10th grade, I entered into my first real relationship. My boyfriend saw my mother for what she was and she hated him for it. She started coming home and tormenting me daily. I struggled to hold on to my friendships and my new happiness. I lost everything when she made up lies and sent me back to my home state to live with my dad. She cut off all contact with my friends. I was completely devastated. I regressed, shutting everyone out of my life. I lost the glimmer of myself that was starting to shine through.

After several months of no contact with mother, I felt a little better about myself. I talked to people at my new school, but never allowing myself to get close to anyone again. I am sure I was subconsciously protecting myself from feeling the loss of another person. I wound up meeting a guy and marrying him the year I graduated. This was when I started to let my mother back into my life. The marriage was just as much a mistake as talking to my mother was, but that is a tale for another time.

Since then, my mother has been in and out of my life on several occasions. At thirty-five, I cut all ties again. This time I will not take her back. What is different with this time?- There are a few things……One difference, she went after my family and not just me. My husband and children are my entire world and she threatened their well-being. Not only did my mother publicly humiliate me, but she publicly humiliated my family. Hurting my family is worse than hurting me.

What grandmother spreads lies and hurts her grandchildren?

Another difference is that I am stronger than I once was. I have learned to see my strengths and I have grown stronger with each tribulation. Along with strength, I have the support of my second husband. He has my back, which is something I had never had before he came into my life. His support adds to my strength.
She will not break me!

“Moving on and letting go, is okay.”

Lastly, I have learned that saying goodbye to my mother is okay. I thought being a good person was putting up with the hurt she caused because she was family. I carried guilt for not being “the good daughter” who cared for her mother. I thought honoring her meant I had to respect that she was my mother and I had to be there for her. NOT TRUE!!!!…respect for myself is more important. I am honoring my mother by leaving her alone and not playing into her games. My pastor told me, “God doesn’t create us to endure that kind of abuse. Moving on and letting go, is okay.” After hearing my pastor’s words, I felt like a huge weight was gone. I felt I was allowed to say goodbye. She is no longer family to me, she is just my mother.

Almost two years have gone by since I last spoke to my mother. I am healing. Healing feels great!!!! Moving on has been beneficial to not only me, but my family as well. None of us are stressed out by my mother’s offenses any longer. Not playing into her games, not taking mother back, and not giving in to her has afforded me room to grow on my own. I breathe easier without her in my life and I feel like I may finally start to truly shine.