Sorry, I Have Been Absent From Life
I’ve been ill. Not the kind of ill where you down some meds and get on with your day. I have been the kind of ill where I don’t want to get out of bed for days. My body hurts, my head feels as though it may pop like a balloon, and I can’t stand the thought eating food. My malady is Rheumatoid Arthritis, but what is holding me down isn’t the RA. The pain may have started my spiral into my crushing collapse, but what caused the severity of my ailment is depression. I know the RA symptoms will lessen with proper self care, but knowing this doesn’t stop my depression from dragging me further into my sorrow.
I can’t seem to stop the dreary thoughts from making their way into the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to feel this way. (I also don’t want to have RA, but there is nothing which will unburden me from that disease.) I had thought my depression was under control. Wrong…It slithered out of whichever recesses of my mind it was snuggled into. Now I am struggling to find a way to contain and control it again.
I see chores in my house that have been neglected for too long. While the neglected chores bother me and cause some anxiety (I don’t like seeing dirt!), I haven’t been affected enough to get my butt up and take care of what I need to. I have been doing the bare minimum the last few weeks. Clean clothes need put away, a basket of dirty laundry is overflowing in the corner of my untidy bathroom, and I really need to mop my floors. I did manage to sweep a few days ago….but 4 kids and a couple dogs later, they look horrible again. My non-depressed self cleans the floors every other day and puts the laundry away and can usually be found doing my chores from morning till night. Lately, I get the kids off to school, feed the littlest one and don’t do much of anything until lunch time, when I need to feed the munchkin again. Fun times…
The terrible thing is….months ago, I would have felt guilty for not being on top of the housework around here. Today, I don’t care. That’s how I know I am in a slump….I don’t care. I don’t care to get up and do anything. I don’t care to put on make up or wash my hair (so unlike me, I enjoy showers!). I don’t care to create anything (crafts, food, etc.). I have been throwing together whatever I can find for dinners. I have no plans lately.
I normally like to plan my days and plan my meals. I have always relied on my planning of everything. Planning got me through my weeks. I like setting the schedule for my life. Well, I used to….now, I don’t care that I haven’t figured out dinner and it is almost 2 PM. I feel like telling everyone to eat what they can scrounge up because I’m not interested in eating, let alone, preparing a meal for everyone else (something which used to bring me joy). I will though. I will get up and throw them a meal together by 5 PM. That is when we eat in this house and I care about my kids so I will push myself to get up and make sure they have what they need.
Yesterday, I spoke to my physician about the fatigue and depression I have been experiencing. She recommends a sleep study be performed before she comes to any conclusions. My appointment with the sleep center is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. If they find nothing wrong there, my depression is probably the cause of my fatigue (according to my doctor). In which case, my medication will probably need a reevaluation and an adjustment. Lovely…?.
Maybe a medication adjustment is just what I need? Maybe it will do nothing? Guess we will wait and see. In the meantime, I am going to try to adhere to planning my days. Maybe that will help me get back on track? Maybe if I have some sort of normalcy, I will get back to who I usually am? Maybe?
