What I Want From My Mother

Upon reflecting to overcome and heal from the tragedy that was my childhood, I realize all my mother has taken from me. My youth was lost when we moved to the city and I was alone everyday. Instantaneously, I had to grow up and care for myself, as I was the only person at home. My mother, a person I should be able to trust, lied and manipulated regularly which took away my trust in people. Therefore, I isolated myself from others so as to remain unharmed. I lost all self confidence because of her steady flow of judgments, which she cast upon my every decision. Nothing I did/said was correct/good enough to satisfy her ideals. I lost my ability to speak up for myself. Arguing your point to a narcissist proves pointless. A narcissist is always correct, even when they are not. I learned to keep my mouth shut and walk away from any controversy. Silently retreating became my way of life. I would love to tell my mother what I think and actually be heard by her. I will never get my wish. She will never truly hear what I have to say.

When normal relationships end, you can either agree to part on good terms or you can fight and have things end poorly. With a narcissist, the ending of the relationship feels different. There is no finality. You simply choose to walk away. This choice saves you from future abuse, yet lacks the satisfaction of arguing your side. As much as I never want to see or speak to my mother again, I would love to be able to tell her all that I have felt these thirty-odd years. To feel as though I were able to be heard by the one person who never tried to listen, might encourage some amount of peace to grow within me. I will never know if my theory is correct, as she will never listen to me.

I want to look her in the eyes and tell her she was never a real parent. I want her to understand what loving and caring for a child really means, and see that she did not do either of those things. I want her to feel compassion and show humanity toward her family, or anyone for that matter. I want her to know all the ways in which she messed me up. I want to show off my strengths to her so she understands that she did not completely break me. I want her to see me for who I am and not what she makes me out to be. I am NOT who she says I am!

I am a good person, so why can’t she acknowledge that?

I do not miss my mother. I long for something I have never had, but I don’t miss the person I did have. She only came around long enough to muddle everything up and then she would retreat from my life again. When she needed attention or pity, she would return. I allowed her to return. She was my mother and I thought I had to respect that. I have since learned that I need to respect myself. Someone who has treated me as poorly as she, does not deserve my energy. I am glad she is gone, but I feel like she still has some control over me due to my inability to speak my peace.

I regret that I am merely left with only memories of the turmoil my mother created. Finding my voice is an arduous task, made harder by the fact that I am stuck with these unresolved memories. I can’t work through my problems with my mother because she is not capable of such a function. Her narcissistic ways do not allow for her to compassionately appreciate what I have to say. My mother has built a fortress to keep away all that reflects negatively on her. Her walls are strong and I have given up on my attempts to get through. My challenge has been coming to terms with walking away without resolve.

She disowned me. She cut me out, without even speaking to me. She controlled the outcome. Again leaving me in the wake of her storm, learning how to rebuild.

So what I want from my mother is unrealistic. To sincerely be heard and understood by a narcissist is nothing short of a dream. She will never care that she has hurt her family. Mother will never apologize for anything she has done, as she does not believe she was ever in the wrong. All I can do is be a good mama to my kids, and try to move on from my past. I hope to have a good relationship with my babies even when they are grown- give them something I never had.