Why? Why Do I Still Allow You To Make Me Feel Like Sh..???
Spent too many years believing I was a broken person. I believed there was something wrong with me because I didn’t “fit in” with anyone. I felt like a complete outcast. I had no close friends, no close family, and no one to talk to. I was isolated. You caused that isolation.
You caused me to have doubts about myself. You caused me to hate myself. You caused me to suppress the best parts of myself; keeping me from fulfilling my potential. You did all of this by making me think I was always wrong. I believed I was a loser. I believed these horrible things about myself because you used manipulation and emotional abuse to keep me within your control. If I could have thought for myself sooner, I would have saved myself many years of heartache.
If only I would have seen through your game sooner. But how could I have seen through your lies? I was a child after all. Your manipulations were all I knew. I held on to a desperate hope that my father would come back and rescue me from you. Or even that my sister would move in with us and take away some of the pressure you had placed on me. No one came for me. I felt invisible and uncared for.
Your mental instability led me to walk on eggshells daily. I had to take care of you. I had to keep you happy in order to keep the peace. I learned all of this at a young age. Which is pathetic. You were a ridiculous example of a mom if one could even call you that. I mourn for the childhood I was robbed of because I had to be the adult for both of us. I should have had someone taking care of me or at least taking my needs into consideration. I could never wrong my kids the way you’ve wronged me.
You lied and used manipulation to control me. You treated me like an unwanted burden. I was your child- your responsibility. I should have been provided for and not the one caring for you. A mother should bring about love and feelings of security for their child and you couldn’t do that for me. Instead, I tended to you. I did all you wanted, made sure you were happy-so you knew I loved you. I don’t know why I needed you to know I cared. I may never understand my need to make you happy all those years. I no longer have that need- I don’t care for you. The feelings I now have for you are dark. You created those feelings as well.
You only have yourself to blame for the huge wall between us. I built that wall to protect my kids from your abuse. I am their protector- their MOM. My kids know they are loved and safe with me. I will ALWAYS love my children. I will always be there for them and help when I can. That is what a mom does.
I know some people are not cut out to be a parent. I know it’s a fact, but I don’t understand how a mother could show such indifference toward her children. This is where I still hurt. I still come back to feeling unloved and unworthy because you couldn’t love me.
It was an unfair adolescence…
My husband is so sweet and kind and loving. He genuinely loves me. He shows me daily that I am appreciated and adored. I am beyond grateful to have him in my life. That being said, your actions still cut into me. I struggle with feeling alone even when surrounded by his love. I sometimes wonder why my husband loves me the way he does. I doubt my self-worth because you caused me to feel worthless for so many years. Your abuse was so unfair.
Trying to get over you has been so hard. I want to move past your abuse. I am happier without you. Pushing you out wasn’t easy, but with you gone, I am breathing easier, which is an amazing feeling. BUT- I question whether your abuse is something I will be able to fully leave behind. When I think of my youth, the feelings that arise are not warm feelings. I want to be able to think of my past and not be burdened by it. How do I move past you and stop allowing you to make me feel like sh**?
